Family loyalty can be beautiful, until it turns into some unwanted drama. One reader shared her story about being pushed too far when generosity stopped being appreciated and started being expected. What began as helping out her 90-year-old grandmother turned into a shocking case of entitlement.
Anastasia sent us a letter.
All this shopping the grandchild has been doing for granny has been happening for years. Granny took a long time getting to this mean side. It sounds as if she was a lovely person to not just this grandchild but some other family members as well. The fact that there has become such a steap decline so quickly could be an indication of a medical issue and instead of worrying about groceries I think worrying about some doctor visits and medical consultations may be more important
Hey Bright Side,
My 90-year-old grandma, whom I love JUST SO DEARLY, has always been strong-willed. I admire her for that. But lately, I feel like she’s taking advantage of me just because she knows I won’t say no. For years, I’ve been the one buying her groceries. Every week (rain or shine), I’d go to the store, get everything she likes, and deliver it to her door. At first, I didn’t mind. She raised my mom, took care of all of us when we were kids. I wanted to give back.
But things started to change. She began asking for more and more (expensive brands, imported fruit, specific pastries from a bakery across town). Then she started calling me in the middle of work, demanding I bring them “right now.”
When I told her I couldn’t always drop everything to run errands, she’d guilt-trip me.
I would give ANYTHING to have my NANA back in my life, EXCEPT LET HER TREAT ME LIKE CRAP. You are a WONDERFUL grandchild and your grandma is more than lucky to have you in her life. Anyone who disagrees with that is dumber than a bag of rocks (Annette). You need to put yourself first. You have to put on YOUR OWN OXYGEN MASK FIRST sweetie.
“You’ll understand when you’re my age,” or “If your mother were alive, she’d never speak to me like that.” The last straw came last weekend. I had just paid my rent and couldn’t afford another grocery trip right away. When I told her, she sighed and said, “So you’re letting your grandmother starve?”
That hit me hard. I drove over with what I could: bread, milk, and some fruit. When I got there, she looked in the bag and said, “No steak? No cake?” I froze. I realized she didn’t see it as help anymore… she saw it as her right. That’s when I decided: no more weekly groceries. I’ll visit, I’ll help when I can, but I’m done being her personal delivery service.
Now my relatives are calling me cruel.
They say I should be grateful she’s still here and that “money comes and goes, but family is forever.” But none of them are the ones paying for her groceries or missing work to shop for her. So now I’m wondering if I’m really heartless for finally putting myself first?
— Anastasia
Bright Side Advice
Get those relatives who call you cruel to pay you a salary first then talk.They who play the guilt-trip game are simply the ones who want nothing but a scapegoat, so please treat yourself better by not becoming one.
First off, Anastasia, thank you for sharing your story, because what you’re describing is something a lot of people go through but rarely talk about. There’s a huge difference between helping out of love and being emotionally manipulated. You’ve shown care and consistency for years. Setting limits doesn’t erase that kindness; it protects it.
Older relatives sometimes forget that the world’s changed: bills are higher, schedules are tighter, and burnout is real. But it’s not your job to single-handedly carry the weight of her expectations. Here’s what you can do: gently but firmly explain that you’ll still visit and help with essentials, but you can’t fund or fulfill every request. Maybe suggest setting up grocery deliveries or asking other relatives to share the responsibility.
