PART 12 – I Had Been Waiting for Emma to Give Me Permission to Leave, When the Truth Was That I Had Already Started Leaving Her Behind

I kept thinking about what would happen if Emma finally decided she was finished.

In my mind, that possibility offered a kind of relief.

I wouldn't have to make the first move.

I wouldn't have to explain why I had become involved with Caroline.

I wouldn't have to admit that I had been preparing for the end while letting Emma believe we were still trying.

If Emma ended the marriage, I could tell myself that the decision had been hers.

I could describe the relationship as something we had both outgrown.

I could say that things had become too difficult for either of us.

I could avoid the simplest sentence.

I had helped bring us here.

I wanted Emma's decision to become the explanation for my behavior.

That was unfair to her in a way I had not fully acknowledged.

She could not make an informed decision about our marriage because I was hiding the information that mattered most.

I wanted her to react to the distance I had created without knowing why I had created it.

I wanted her to become frustrated by my absence and decide she couldn't continue.

Then I could point to her frustration as evidence that the marriage was already beyond repair.

It was a plan built around keeping her in the dark.

I had convinced myself I was waiting for a sign.

I was really waiting for her to take responsibility for a choice I was afraid to make.

I could see that more clearly now, though seeing it did not immediately make me behave differently.

I still wanted a clean ending.

I still wanted to believe there was a way to leave the marriage without becoming the person who had betrayed it.

I still wanted to separate my feelings from my actions, as though wanting something different could excuse what I had done to get there.

But the marriage was not a story I could rewrite simply by changing the way I described the ending.

Emma had been part of it.

Her trust had been part of it.

Her effort to arrange an anniversary dinner had been part of it.

I had made those things seem unimportant because they stood in the way of what I wanted.

I had treated her plans as though they were obligations I could ignore until she stopped making them.

I had treated her patience as though it meant she would accept whatever explanation I eventually offered.

I had treated her love as though it gave me extra time to decide whether I wanted to remain her husband.

None of those assumptions was fair.

She had not agreed to wait indefinitely while I worked out what I wanted.

She had not agreed to be kept in a marriage whose condition I was describing differently to another woman.

She had not agreed to have her anniversary turned into an opportunity for me to avoid ending things honestly.

I had made those choices without her knowledge.

I could not ask her to carry the responsibility for them.

That was the part I had tried hardest to avoid.

If I admitted that I was the one making the marriage impossible to trust, I would lose the excuse that we had simply grown apart.

I would have to accept that the distance between us was not just something I had noticed.

It was something I had helped create.

I had been leaving Emma behind long before the anniversary.

I had done it every time I chose not to tell her what was happening.

I had done it every time I allowed her to believe my absence had an innocent explanation.

I had done it every time I promised to discuss the money later and then found another reason to wait.

I had done it by telling Caroline that the marriage was over while continuing to let Emma believe I was still participating in it honestly.

The anniversary was not the beginning.

It was a clear example of what had already been happening.

I had wanted the night to force a decision.

I wanted Emma to become angry enough to end the relationship.

I wanted the event to give me a reason to leave without having to admit how long I had been preparing to go.

But I could not make her responsible for a choice she did not know I was asking her to make.

I had to stop treating her reaction as a way out.

I had to accept that whatever happened to the marriage, my choices would remain mine.

That did not mean I knew what to do next.

I still had the money to explain.

I still had the truth to tell Caroline.

I still had the consequences of the anniversary to face.

I still had no guarantee that either woman would forgive me.

But I could no longer honestly claim that I was waiting for Emma to decide what happened to us.

I had already made decisions that changed the marriage.

I had already broken promises that mattered.

I had already chosen to keep the truth from her.

I had already started leaving.

I just wanted her to say the words that would allow me to pretend I hadn't.

Click here to continue reading: PART 13: I Wanted to Believe I Was Still a Decent Man, but Every Excuse Required Me to Ignore Someone I Had Hurt