“Recently, I lost my mom. I knew that my life wouldn’t be the same anymore, but I didn’t expect it to flip that much.” When our reader’s dad remarried someone her age, he expected them to bond like family. But after her new “mom” crossed a line, Bella couldn’t stay quiet. How can she navigate this new family dynamic when it feels like she is losing her dad, too?

Hello, Bright Side,

My name is Bella, and I’m 24 years old. Recently, I lost my mom. I knew that my life wouldn’t be the same anymore, but I didn’t expect it to flip that much.

So, my dad (59) married Lucy (27) and keeps forcing me to “be friends” with her. I feel sick. At dinner, my dad started again, so I snapped: “She’s closer to my age than you, and she’ll never be family to me.” Lucy just smirked.

The next day, I froze when I saw that Lucy had taken down all my mom’s old photos from the living room. When I confronted her, she said, “Since we’re not family, don’t expect me to treat you like one. Your mom isn’t my family either.”

I told my dad, but he brushed it off, saying I needed to move on. He added that I needed to understand that it was his life now, and I should respect his choices.

I’m really struggling with this. I’ve tried to make peace with it, but I just don’t think I can accept Lucy as part of my life. I feel like I’m losing both my mom’s memory and my dad in a way, and I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here. Any advice would be really appreciated.

4 hours ago

You don’t treat your father’s new wife with respect or even common courtesy so why should you expect her to treat you with respect or common courtesy? She’s trying to create a relationship with you (not trying to replace your mother until you forced the issue), only to be rebuffed at every turn.
It’s time for you to clear the air with your father and then work with him to build a relationship with his wife.

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Dear Bella,

You’re in a tough spot, and it’s clear you’re doing your best to handle an emotionally complicated situation. Whether it’s not very clear if you still live at your dad’s and if Lucy wants you two to be close, we believe that the key here is to find ways to communicate what you need to your dad and also to give yourself the space to process what’s happening in a way that feels manageable and doable in the current situation.

Respect your dad’s choice, but manage expectations for Lucy’s role in your life. It seems that your dad is asking you to accept Lucy into your life as if nothing has changed. It might help to set realistic expectations for your relationship with her. You don’t have to become best friends, but you can try to approach her with a neutral, respectful attitude. Over time, things may evolve on their own, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to form a bond that doesn’t feel natural.

Discuss the tone for future interactions. Make it clear what you need for the relationship to be civil. For instance, you can communicate that certain comments (like those about your mom’s photos) are hurtful and that you expect respect in your interactions with her.

Find a way to honor your mom without conflict. The situation with the photos is understandably painful. You might want to find a personal way to keep your mom’s memory alive. This could be through creating a space in your own room with photos, letters, or something special that reminds you of her. It’s important to feel like you’re still honoring her without needing approval from anyone else.

And last, you’re not required to be friends with Lucy, but it might help to take small steps toward neutral interactions. Instead of trying to force a big change, see if you can make small, manageable efforts, like saying hello or being polite during family meals. This might take the pressure off and make it easier to deal with her presence in the house.

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